


Lockwood and Co. Incorrect quotes

by EndekuCultist



Category: Lockwood & Co. - Jonathan Stroud
Genre: I might add what ship it is too for whoever wants to know, Imma just leave this stuff here and move on, Incorrect quote book cause I said so, Multi, idk what else to put, ummmm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-05 23:58:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18376742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndekuCultist/pseuds/EndekuCultist
Summary: George, wearing fuzzy footy pajamas: I’m readyHolly: this is a mission





	1. Chapter 1

**Lucy** : *pulls out knife*

 

**Lockwood** : oh no

 

**Lucy** : *opens a cardboard box with it*

 

**Lockwood** : oh okay

 

**Lucy** : *pulls gun out of the box*

 

**Lockwood** : oh no

* * *

 

Lucy/Lockwood

**Quill** : Lockwood would throw himself in front of a moving car for you.

 

**Lucy** : Lockwood would throw himself in front of a moving car for fun.

* * *

**Barnes** : Would you say you’re independent

  
**Bobby** : [looks at Quill]   


  
**Quill** : [nods]   
  
****

**Bobby** : Yes.

* * *

Quill/Lockwood

**Quill** : The DEPRAC really hate us.   
  


**Lockwood** : Yeah, maybe they're homophobic.   
  


**Quill** : We're not gay.   
  


**Lockwood** : We're not?

 

* * *

**Lucy** : why’s everyone looking? what are they staring at?

 

**Skully** : well,Lucy, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but you’re kind of a babe.

* * *

Should’ve burned this place down when I had the chance.”

  
Lucy, going back to Fittes Agency

* * *

**DEPRAC** : You are under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.

**Lockwood** : Wait. What do you mean THREE???   
  


**DEPRAC** : ... yes ... three.   
  


**Lockwood** : Oh, my God - what the fuck?! *turns around and checks* FUCK!   
  


**Lucy and** **Holly** : OH NO!  
  


**DEPRAC** : Sir and Mam’s?   
  


**Lockwood** : GEORGE FELL OFF


	2. What am I supposed to put here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk what to put here

**Kit** : “I love you, Lucy. I love you”   
  
**Kit immediately after she realizes what she said** :

 

* * *

**Holly** : And as a lesbian...   
  


**People** : supporter?   
  


**Holly** : AS A FUCKING LESBIAN!

* * *

*neighbors au*

**Lockwood, knocking on his neighbor’s door** : I’m gonna tell her she’s got to stop. She can’t keep stealing our wi-fi. It’s unbelievable.   
  


**George** : Yeah, I’ve been changing the password twice a month! Twice a month! Nope. We gotta tell her. *the door opens*   
  


**Lockwood** : LISTEN, YOU-   
  


**Lucy** : Yes?   
  


**Lockwood** : *stares at Lucy*   
  


**Lucy** : *is cute*   
  


**Lockwood** : -can keep stealing our wi-fi. There’s really no problem.   
  


**George** : WHAT.

* * *

 

**Holly** : Should we have mini cupcakes at this party?   
  
**Skully** : Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is alReAdy a mini version of a cake? Honestly, whEre does it end with you people?!

* * *

 

**Flo** : Do you ever just get the urge to tell someone to shut up even if they’re not talking.

* * *

 

**Lockwood** : I DO WHAT I WANT.

  
**Holly** : I’m calling Lucy.

  
  
**Lockwood** : no, wait-

* * *

 

*Locklyle wedding vows*

**Lockwood, to Lucy** : As long as I live, I’ll never stop loving your random bursts of outrage.

* * *

**Marissa** : Am I a good person? No.

  
**Marissa** : But do I try to be better every single day?   
  
**Marissa** : Also no.

* * *

[Flo walks into Lockwood’s house after having a fight in the morning]

  
**Flo** : Sorry to interrupt your dinner.

  
  
**Lockwood** : How did you get in here?

  
  
**Flo** : I’m not here to discuss your lack of home security. I’m here to apologize.

* * *

**Lockwood, walking in** : Due to personal reasons I will no longer be checking both ways before I cross the street

  
**George** : Quick! Get Lucy on the phone! Now!

* * *

**Lucy** : [snoring]

  
**Skully** : Wake up.

  
  
**Lucy** : [takes off eye mask] What do you want?

  
  
**Skully** : You’re ugly

  
  
**Lucy** : [putting on eye mask] And you look like a burnt garbanzo bean

* * *

**Holly** : You know you can die from that, right?

**Quill, smoking a cigarette** : That's the point.   
  


**Lucy, drinking alcohol straight from the bottle** : We're trying to speed this up.   
  


**George, eating raw cookie dough** : *nodding*

* * *

**Lockwood** : [falls through the ceiling]

  
**Lucy, sitting in her circle drinking tea** : “Hey Anthony”

  
  
**Lockwood, lying on the floor surrounded by plaster** : “Hi Love”

* * *

**Holly** : “The sky is beautiful.”

  
**Lockwood** : “You know what else is beautiful?”

  
  
**Both, in unison** : “Lucy.”

* * *

**Lucy** : Flo I need your help?

  
**Flo** : *sighs* with what now?

  
  
**Lucy** : how do I get Lockwood to not fall for Holly?

  
**Flo** : have you tried murder?

  
  
**Lucy** : are you…sure?

  
  
**Flo** : *raises her brow* did I stutter?

* * *

**Lucy** : I’ve never had a real friend before.

  
**Lockwood** : I can be your friend!   


  
**Lucy** :   


  
**Lucy** : I’ve also never had a boyfriend.

* * *

**George, handing the phone to Quill** : It’s your boyfriend.   
  
**Quill** : Lockwood is not my boyfriend!   
  
**Quill, on the phone** : Hey babe.

——

**Barnes** : oh come on, no one thinks Lockwood and Co. are my kids.   
  
**L &C [passing by]** : ‘Sup, dad

* * *

**George** : Oh, no. You're getting an idea, aren't you?   
  


**Lockwood** : Yeah.   
  


**George** : Is this idea gonna get me in trouble?   
  


**Lockwood** : Maybe.   
  


**Quill** : Is this idea gonna cause me physical pain?   
  


**Lockwood** : Yeah, definitely.

* * *

**Lockwood** : In my defence, I was left unsupervised.

  
**Lucy, Holly, George, Quill, Bobby, Kit, Barnes, Skull, Jessica on the other side, Marissa Fittes, literally anyone ever:** No, you fucking weren’t.

 


	3. Fgdgggfgfh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I might put random qoutes from the books here

* * *

**Lucy** : How do you sleep at night?   
  


**Marissa** : On silk sheets, rolling naked in money.

* * *

 

 **George** : *accidentally brushes Lucy’s hand with his own*  
  
 **Lucy** : *aggressively holds George’s hand*  
  
 **Lucy** : Fucking commit to it.

* * *

**Skull** : Friends murder each other all the time.

**Lucy** : ..

* * *

**Lucy** : We’re not here to judge you. We came to kick ass, catch bad guys, and drink tea.

**George** : Not necessarily in that order.

  
**Lockwood** : And it hasn’t been.   
  


**Holly** : We started with the tea.   
  


**Lockwood** : Always.

* * *

*They snooping around* 

  
**Skull** : Let’s check in here.    
  
**Lucy** : But Lockwood said not to go in there.    
  
**Skull** : He’s probably hiding something creepy, like a dead body or an indoor hot tub.“    


* * *

**Barnes** : I hope you’re not going to do anything stupid.

  
**Lucy** : I hope you’re not hoping too hard.

* * *

**Lucy** : You’re ugly.   
  
**Quill** : Must you always attack me with words?   
  
**Lucy** : Want me to use rocks instead?

* * *

“What’s your favorite food?”

**Young Lucy** : Chocolate!   
  
**Young Lockwood** : Grape!   
  
**Young Holly** : Strawberry!   
  
**Young George** : CHICKEN STRIIIIIIIIIIPS

* * *

**Flo, handing Bobby a pint of beer** : Excellent work today, Bobby!

  
**Quill** : Flo, no! He’s a kid!   
  


**Flo** : Oh!   
  


**Flo** :   
  


**Flo, handing Bobby a second pint of beer** : You’re a growing boy.   
  


**Quill** : FLO  NO—

* * *

**Bobby** : You’re useless, ordinary, and bland.

  
**Lucy** :   
  
**Lucy** :   
  
**Lucy** :   
  
**Lucy** : Suck my spiritual peenie weenie, monkey boy.

* * *

*The gang coming up with a plan to defeat Fittes*

**Lucy** : if I throw a bucket of water at Marissa, do you think she’ll melt?   
  
**George** : worth a try

* * *

 

**George** : I bet you’d look great grasping at the sheets on my bed-   
  
**Lucy** : I’m not going to make your bed for you George!

* * *

**Bobby, to Quill** : I’m telling you,dad. I’m a thug.

  
**Bobby** : A rebellious child.   
  
**Bobby** : My life be like “ooh-ah.”   
  
**Bobby, after bumping into a pole while walking backwards** : oW.

* * *

**Lockwood** : I wasn’t injured. I was lightly stabbed.   
  
**Lucy and George** : STABBED!   
  
**Lockwood** : Lightly stabbed.

* * *

**Holly** : We need a plan to take down Marissa. Any ideas? Flo, what do you got?   
  
**Flo** : When I was young and naive I would have said arson, but I’m going to go with voodoo.

* * *

**Lockwood** : Lesbians, what is your wisdom?

  
**Kit** : World hard and cold… tiddy soft and warm.   
  
**Holly** : Girl soft.   
  
**Flo** : Watch Naruto.

* * *

**Quill, who just woke up** : Hhhhhhhhhh

  
**Lucy** : I feel the caffeine coursing through my veins and I have never felt more alive   
  
**George** : The difference between Quill being dead and Lucy bouncing off the walls is quite the image   
  
**Holly** : It is indeed   
  
**Lucy** : Did I somehow eat all of Quill’s energy?   
  
**Quill** : No, it just takes my tall body longer to wake up. You wouldn’t know anything about that, though.

* * *

**Marissa** : i will destroy everything you love, Tom!

  
**Tom** : then you’ll have to destroy yourself, because i love you.   
  
**Marissa, mutterin** g: well, jokes on you, because i’ve been self destructive my whole life.


	4. This took me a while

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “- Plan F, we follow Plan F, right now.   
> \- Is that the one where we run away?   
> \- Not at all. It's the one where we beat a dignified emergency retreat.”   
> Anthony Lockwood, The Whispering Skull

 

 

**Holly** : what part of your morning routine takes the longest?   
  
**Lucy** : finding the will to live

 

 

* * *

**A sign that Lockwood and George put outside the house** : DEPRAC. STOP COMING BY OUR HOUSE. WE DON'T LIKE YOU. WE DON'T FIND YOU INTERESTING.

* * *

 

**Lockwood** : you call it “really bad at darts” i call it freestyle acupuncture.   
  
**bartender** : sir, i’m gonna have to ask you to leave the bar

* * *

 

**Lockwood** : The moon controls the tides and the human psyche. Wolves know that, that's why they howl at her. It's a tribute.

 

**Therapist** : Let's talk about your parents.   
  


**Lockwood** : No.

* * *

 

**Lockwood** : Everyone synchronize your watches.   
  
**Lucy** : I don’t know how to do that.   
  
**Quill** : I don’t wear a watch.   
  
**George** : Time is a construct.

* * *

 

**-Sirens wailing outside-** **  
**   
**Bobby, who’s never done anything wrong in his life** : They found me   


* * *

 

**Skull** : WHO NEEDS SLEEP WHEN YOU HAVE A 50K WORD FANFIC ABOUT TWO IDIOTS FALLING IN LOVE

* * *

 

**Barnes:** I just let them all back together for a night, what’s the worst that can happen?   
  
***Barnes, walks into room to see the the gang, on various walls and ceilings mid-dance while take on me plays in the background***

* * *

 

**Lucy : “gentle reminder to not have too much tea before bed”  
  
 **Lockwood** : “No.”  
  
 **Lucy** : “This was a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance bring me ungodly amounts of rage.”**

* * *

 

** Lockwood: To all the guests that don’t drink what I serve you  
  
 **Lockwood** : Why won’t you accept my hospitalitea? **

* * *

 

** George: If a demon possessed me, I’d just say oh cool take it from here and good luck **

* * *

 

**Lucy** : You know, my mother once told me that bad news is just good news in disguise.   
  


**Skull** : Was this before she disowned you?   
  


** **Lucy** : Yes. Yes it was. **

 

* * *

** Lockwood: I have no fears  
  
 **Lucy** : what if you woke up one day and I was taller than you  
  
 **Lockwood** :  
  
 **Lockwood** : I have one fear **

* * *

 

** Lucy: Anthony, go lie down, you’re sick.  
  
 **Anthony** : If I was sick, could I do this?  
  
 **Anthony** :  
  
 **Lucy** : Do what?  
  
 **Anthony** : Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?  
**

** Lucy(leading him to bed): No, sweetheart. **

* * *

 

**Villains** : We have your son.

  
**Quill** : I don't have a son..?   
  


**Villains** : Then who started crying when we ripped his Ghost Squad hoodie?

**   
**Quill** : Oh my God you have my son- **

* * *

 

**Barnes, watching kids do something stupid** : what idiots   
  
**Barnes, realising its L &C** : shit they’re  _ my _ idiots

* * *

**Quill** : FOUR MONTHS!!

  
**Flo** : what’s he talking about?   
  
**George** : it’s really not that big of a deal   
  
**Quill** : FOR FOUR MONTHS YOU STOOD THERE AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT!!

* * *

**Lockwood** : Do people actually tell their crushes they like them?

  
**George** : Well yeah? What the hell do YOU do?   
  
**Lockwood** : …   
  
**Lockwood** : Die?

* * *

**Lucy** : HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

**Lucy** : *aggressively throws water bottles*   
  


**Holly** : Uh…   
  


**George** : She's trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.   
  


**Lucy** : I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!   
  


**Lockwood** : *crying* It’s working.

* * *

**George** : I have come up with a three-step plan to get Lucy to marry you.   
  


**Holly** : Okay, I'm listening.   
  


**George** : Step one, get her to play truth or dare.   
  


**Holly** : Oh God, stop.   
  


**George** : Step two, wait until she picks dare.   
  


**Holly** : George, no.   
  


**George** : Step three, dare her to marry you!   
  


**Flo, from another room** : It could work!

* * *

** **Lucy** : Hey, I like your pants. **

**   
**Holly** : Thanks, they were 50% off.   
  
**Lucy** : I’d like them 100% off.   
  
**Holly** : But, the store can’t just sell free stuff.   
  
**Lucy** : No, that’s not wha-   
  
**Holly** : That would be a terrible way to run a business. **

* * *

 

**Lucy** : *shining a flashlight under the bed*   
  
**Lucy** : Skull, are you ready to come out and interact with people?   
  
**Skull** : *demonic screeching*   
  
**Lucy** : understandable, have a nice day

* * *

**Lucy** : We’re not getting fucking onesies.

***cut to Lucy, Lockwood, George, Holly, and Quill snuggled on the couch*** **  
  
**

**Lucy** : We got the fucking onesies.

* * *

**Holly** : Makeup’s supposed to cover up all your flaws. Time to swallow my concealer and see if my depression goes away

  
**Skull** : My bad grades don’t matter. School is just for the weak who aren’t pretty enough to get a sugar daddy   
  
**George** : Is Kermit a furry? Could he be my fursuit? Seriously guys I’ve been thinking about this all night   
  
**Quill** : Being student president just means I have to speed walk everywhere and buy all the teacher’s coffee   
  


**Holly** : I low key want a man to try and fight me. I’m ready to beat someone to death with my purse!!   
  
**Lockwood** : Look I watched all the Kung Fu Panda movies so I really don’t think you wanna be messing with me I’m basically Bruce Lee   
  
**Lucy** : What do you mean we have homework today? Okay so be right back I’m just gonna go stick a fork into that outlet over there   
  
**Quill** : The gay agenda? Excuse me do I look organized enough to carry around an agenda with me? More like the gay occasional phone notification   
  
**Bobby** : Why do we keep reading depressing English stories where the pet dies at the end I’m actually going to start crying   
  
**George** : This is the third time this week my mom has caught me trying to eat a whole tub of cream cheese frosting by itself I think she’s a little concerned   
  
**Lockwood** : In this world it’s either hug or be hugged and I’m very emotionally unstable so I’m pretty much down for both   
  
**Lucy** : My Chemical Romance could come back for three seconds just to punch me in the face then break up again and I’d still be happy   
  
**Skull** : If it’s too severe for duct tape to fix it it’s god’s way of saying it doesn’t need to be fixed   
  
**Quill** : Do you ever see a raven outside your house and immediately get concerned? Like I’ve read too many books I know what this symbolic shit means   
  
**Quill** : I like to think I’m some dark and mysterious character with a tragic backstory but I over share my issues so often it doesn’t really matter anymore   
  
**Flo** : I could never be invisible because I eat too many crunchy foods and laugh like a dying badger   
  
**Lucy** : I’m literally vividly picturing the deaths of everyone in the class right now. It’s so violent I’m almost concerned for myself   
  
**Holly** : So update on the whole anxiety issue- a guy sneezed near me in the hallway so loud I got scared and started crying   
  
**Lucy and Skull** : God you know finals weeks sucks when you’re so sleep deprived a coma sounds like the world’s best nap   
  
**Holly** : I don’t know why people always complain when I answer questions in class like that’s one more question none of you ungrateful shits have to answer

* * *

**Quill** : It’s not gay if I want to date George, but as bros, right?

**Lockwood** : I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure that’s gay.   
  


**Holly** *sipping wine*: I’m an expert and that’s gay.

* * *

** **Fittes and Rotwell** : It’s ten pm, Barnes. Do you know where your children are?  **

**   
**Barnes, avoiding eye contact with them, knowing full well that all of them are out somewhere meddling in something he told them not to mess with** : Haha who **

* * *

 

**Quill** : Damn, the power went out

  
**Bobby** : Don't worry I got this   
  


***Bobby** **shakes rapidly and starts to illuminate***  
  


**Quill** : What-   
  


**Bobby** : I swallowed a flashlight   
  


**Quill, on the verge of a cardiac arrest** : WHY WOULD YOU-

* * *

*School Cafeteria*

**Lockwood** : *sits beside Lucy*   
  


**Lucy** : Hey.   
  


**Lockwood** : Hey.   
  


**Lucy** :   
  


**Lockwood** : So... come here often?   
  


**Lucy** : Ah. Uhm. Only when I eat?   
  


**Lockwood** : Same. We're compatible.   
  


**Quill** : Damn, son.   
  


**Holly** : What a twist.   
  


**George** : Well played.

* * *

**Quill** : how did none of you hear what i just said?

**Lockwood** : i’ve been zoned out for the last two and a half hours   
  


**Lucy** : i got distracted about halfway through   
  


**George** : ignoring you was a conscious decision.

* * *

**Lucy sneaking back in the house after talking to ghost even tho she wasn’t supposed to**

** **

**Lockwood, sitting on Lucy’s bed** : And where were you all evening?   
  


**Lucy** : I was uh walking with George.

**George, turning around in a swivel chair** : You wanna try again?

* * *

**Lucy** : Lockwood, this is my mom. mom, this is my Lockwood

  
**Lucy** : [realizing what she said] wait no, i meant— um, that’s not what i—   
  
**Lockwoof** : [holding out a hand to Lucy's mom, completely straight-faced] hello, i’m her Lockwood.

* * *

**Lockwood** : Luce and I don’t have pet names for each other

  
**George** : uh huh. You know what bees make?   
  
**Lockwood** : honey?   
  
**Lucy, in the room next door** : yes dear?   
  
**George** : don’t ever lie to my face again

* * *

**Holly** : I’m gonna be a witch for the Halloween party, what are you guys going as?

  
**Skully** : My Innocence   
  
**George** : My Confidence   
  
**Lucy** : My Dad   
  
**Holly** : ……..   
  
**Quill** : you guys could have just said you weren’t showing up, no need to make it emo.

* * *

**Quill** : I don’t really like people, but you’re okay, I guess.

**Quill Husband** : I’m your husband??????

* * *

**Barnes** : Imagine if someone handed you a box of all the items you have lost throughout your life.

**Holly** : Wow, my childhood innocence.   
  


**Lucy** : My sense of purpose! I haven't seen it in years.   
  


**Quill** : I knew I lost that potential somewhere!   
  


**Lockwood** : Mental stability, my old friend!   
  


**Barnes** : Kids, could you lighten up a little?

* * *

**George** : Am I the only straight person in this group?

  
**Lockwood** : I’ve seen the way you look at me. You’re not that straight.

* * *

**Lucy** : Bad news—Quill locked the keys in the building.

  
**Lucy** : Good news—We didn’t have to wait for a locksmith!   
  
**Lucy** : Bad news—Quill finds it very disturbing that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory. I was too embarrassed to tell him learned because I figured that was the kind of skill to pick up cute boys.   
  
**Lucy** : Good news —A cute boy saw me do it!   
  
**Lucy** : Bad news—It was Lockwood, and since he’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, he’ll never think I’m cool no matter what i do. It’s too late. He knows   
  
**Holly** : *concerned friend noises*

* * *

**Lucy** : What are you doing?

  
**Lockwood** : *standing on a chair* I live here you know I can stand wherever I want thank you very much   
  
**Lucy** :   
  
**Lucy** : Where’s the spider   
  
**Lockwood** : It’s under the table please get it for me please

* * *

**Villain** : I will kill you

**Lucy** : Let me ask Lockwood   
  


**Villain** : That’s not how this works--   
  


**Lucy** : He said no

* * *

**Flo** : One day, some guy is gonna see me eating a whole rotisserie chicken with my bare hands in my parked car and think ‘That’s her, she’s the one’.

* * *

**George** : if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea

  
**Quill** : if you were my husband, I’d drink it

* * *

***Lockwood and Lucy as co-workers and lovers***

**Lockwood** : From now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special-   
  


**Lockwood** : *looks at his watch*   
  


**Lockwood** : This is eating up a lot of time. Maybe just a pat on the butt.   
  


**Lockwood** : *gives Lucy’s butt a light smack*   
  


**Lockwood** : Yeah, that works.

* * *

**Skull** : Favorite top?

**Lucy** : Lockwood.   
  


**Holly** :   
  


**George** :   
  


**Holly** : He meant clothes.   
  


**Lucy** : I said what I said.

* * *

**Kit, yelling through the door** :QUILL , WE HAVE TO GO, COME OUT

**Quill** : I’M GAY   
  


**Kit** : NOT WHAT I MEANT BUT I LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU

* * *

**Quill** : What would you say is your life motto?

**Skull** : Single and ready to mingle!   
  


**Lucy** : Bi and ready to die.

* * *

**Skully** : Yo, Luce, I know it's a bit early, but what do you want for your birthday?

**Lucy** : Mental stability and a dad who will treat me right.   
  


**Lucy** : Ok, so one therapist and one sugar daddy!

* * *

**Quill:** I heard George is in jail, is it true?

  
**Lockwood** : yeah for something he didn’t do   
  
**Quill** : what?   
  
**Lockwood** : he didn’t run fast enough

* * *

**Rotwell** : Did you know most laughs that you hear on tv shows today were recorded in the 1950s. That means, technically, you're most likely hearing dead people laughing.

**Marissa** : This may be a pretty interesting fact for most people, but I can always hear dead people laughing!   
  


**Rotwell** : Hey Marissa   
  


** **Rotwell** : What the fuck does that mean **

* * *

 


End file.
